Just Say "No"

This Arizona heat is definitely not something to take lightheartedly. It affects many vocations among the city: Construction workers, pool girls, landscapers, all rather blue collar. But something you might not think about is how this heat can affect the death industry. A weekend does not seem like that long of time, just three short days from Friday to Monday morning. Some might argue the weekends are never long enough, I know one woman who might beg to differ.

I knew something was unsavory when I walked into the cooler Monday morning. The stench was enough to raise suspicions, and that's saying a lot about a cooler full of corpses. As I begin to look around, my eyes lock on to something that makes my heart drop, two mummified feet. I believe I have found the culprit. As I lean in for an examination, I read the ankle tag, this woman was suppose to be viewed by her family today. That sinking feeling in my chest was three sizes too big.

I decide her face might be worth checking out, considering the family isnt here to view her feet. Her face, surprisingly, had the opposite reaction. Bloated beyond recognition, skin schlepping off in every direction, oozing might be a good word to use here. I immediately asked if anyone else had viewed her this morning, they had not. The family was coming in to make arrangements in just a couple of hours, and they planned on viewing her. But even if we had a couple of days to doll her up, it wouldn't be enough.

Helping your family, (that being the family you are making arrangements for) achieve closure is the name of the game. Listening to their wants, and making them come true. Achieving any of their goals, whether it be a balloon release, a limo escort, or simply seeing their Mom before her cremation. Funeral directors are basically "Yes Men", in this industry, the client is always right.

There's more to Funeral Directing than just waving a magic wand and being the Funeral Godmother, it's all about advocating for your family. You need to make tough decisions for them when they are not thinking straight, you need to be there for them when it feels like no one else is listening to them. Lead them in the right direction, and never steer them wrong. Something that never gets talked about though, is when to say "no" to your families. If the families ask you to break the law, sometimes we even roll over and do that for them. You have to wonder though, are there requests that are detrimental to their healing process?

Turns out Mom was only in her unconditioned house for 3 days. Three short days. In the Arizona heat, three days can feel like a lifetime. Now, I was not in that arrangement conference, but we all had the same mentality, try to steer them away from viewing her. The daughter lived with her mom. She only left for the weekend, three short days. She returned Monday morning to a dead mother, and police questioning her. At the arrangement conference it was decided that she was going to view her. Remind you, the smell alone was rather offensive.

The family; the daughter, and her daughter (granddaughter of the decedent), had gotten their alone time with Mom. They had to view her behind a glass window. No touching, no kisses, which yes does happen. They were in that room, looking at her boated, discolored face through glass for what felt like a lifetime ( although nothing compared to three days in the arizona sun). The room was silent. No crying, no screaming and pleading, which yes does happen. As they did their silent reflection, so did I.

If I had to draw a line on when to say "no" to a family, it would be right around here. Although the daughter had presumably seen her mother at the moment of removal form the house, she decided it was a good idea to bring her daughter with her for the final goodbye. I would never want to see my grandma in this condition. (In fact, the day I wrote this rough draft, it was my Nana's birthday). She most likely brought her daughter in for moral support, but was that the right thing to do?

I truly believe guilt was a driving force in wanting to view her mom, guilt and disbelief. Guilt for leaving her alone for the weekend, and disbelief, because everyone wants the death of their loved one to not be true. Should we have said no to this family? I ponder on this a lot and I do not have an answer. Is it more traumatic to view her mom in that state, or to not be allowed to view her at all? Is it really our job as funeral directors to decide what someone is and is not capable of handling? When to say "No" is a skill that you just cannot learn in a classroom.