How the Other Half Dies

Our Journey begins in bustling Westwood, CA. In between all of the sky scrapers and parking garages, you might walk right past the perfect little 2.5 acre patch of grass, with a cottage and all. Not to mention all of it's notable residents. My travels have taken me straight to the Money Shot, no joking around, The Queen herself, Miss Marilyn Monroe. Her mausoleum wall looking as glamorous as ever, decked out in pink granite and covered in lipstick marks. She wouldn't have wanted it any other way. You can tell by the flowers and kisses that she is loved and missed. So idolized, in fact, that she cant even escape the patriarchal clutches of fame, even in death. For who is right next to her, well her its most "Adoring Fan", Hugh Hefner.

This might appear cute at first, maybe. If even. But upon further pondering, I have decided that this is actually very manipulative of Hef. Marilyn was on the very first cover of Playboy magazine. So naturally, it is easy for someone as narcissistic as Hugh to think he is entitled to her company until the end of time. But Marilyn died 55 years before Hefner! Think about that, she went on to live her best life, sleep with some presidents, go on and do actual modeling, singing, among just being a celebrity persona. While Hef is sitting here, in his mansion with dirty dingy carpets, a bunch of girls in and out of his life. no love, no warmth, no meaning, just shallow emptiness. (I want to add here, that these opinions are coming from Holly Madison’s book, Down The Rabit Hole. If the Playmate lifestyle intrigues you at all, I highly recommend this book). He then waited around, for 55 years, not making any memorable connections, not meeting anyone he would actually want to be buried with. Just chasing this pipe dream of being the best, having the best. I just hope now that your dead, you can actually get stiff.

Not to cut them short but some other notable graves from Westwood are Farrah Fawcett and Rodney Dangerfield. Dangerfield's states "There Goes The Neighborhood." While Fawcett's headstone is completely blank except for her name, and I just gotta wonder why they did my girl so dirty like that. Side note, I think Cemeteries might be sexist, but I am just going to put a pin in that.

My Next stop on my travels was Forest Lawn Cemetery. Now this place you could not miss, you can probably see it from space, or at least Space Mountain. This Cemetery is massive and a true testament to how much us as a society are obsessed with death. If you didn't already find the beauty and the peace in a final resting place, this place will show you how. Before Disney Land was built, this Park was the number one tourist attraction in California. It is 300 Acres large and has 250,000 souls interred on its grounds. There are giant Mausoleums that pass for castles and now that Walt Disney has been laid to rest there, it has been aptly dubbed: The Disneyland of Cemeteries.What a treat to get to be there. It was an entire day in itself, I walked about 7 miles to see it all.

It was such a sight to see all of the art blending together so seamlessly. All of the marble statues, and the use of leaves and grass to accent the boldness of the stones color. The resilient elegance of the manmade beauties of Italy. The clashing of Renaissance Art and the American Revolution. If there aren't three chicks made out of marble making out on my sarcophagus, I don't want it. The artwork alone was worth the trip, but I am sourly disappointed that Michelangelo's David was down for maintenance. All the more reason to go back. Also, where else are you gonna see a Monet just beaming on the side of a mountain like that?

So by this point your probably thinking, okay bring on the corpses. And I will. But I only saw two celebrities here, would be three, but I could not find Carrie Fisher. And I already mentioned one of them, the lovable, not anti-Semitic at all, Walt Disney. I am not sure if this debunks or verifies the whole "cryogenically-frozen-under-Disney-Land" thing, but its just a plaque on the wall, so that leaves a lot up to the imagination, which is exactly what Walt would have wanted. Grave Yard Willie, anyone?

Now guys, I want you to gather around for story time. I have been going to cemeteries for a long time now, and I have never visited a grave. No one that I care about, or even know, is at a cemetery. I have lost two people close to me, and they are both cremated, and outside of my ability to visit them. So theres this girl, right? Her name is Virginia O'brien, and no shit, I discovered about two weeks before this journey of mine. She is a "DeadPan" singer, and she is hilarious. Her voice is sexy, her eyes are like daggers, and she sings about getting murdered and sexualizing women. She is from the 40's and she makes black and white look so good. Long story short, she is my dream girl, and I searched high and low to find her grave out of the 250,000. And once I found my dream girl, I played her music, sang along, and ate some donuts even. I visited her grave, I connected with a person who is no longer here, and strangely who I never even knew.

The third Famous Cemetery I visited was Hollywood Forever. Although this Cemetery was packed with famous graves, all of which are from the 40's and 50's, and I was definitely in it more for the monuments. And boy were there monuments. The cemetery is centered around a small lake, and like eager children at overnight camp, they are all set up like tents, trying to get as close to the water to do some eternal reflecting. Ancient Egyptian vibes fill the air as I walk past the Pyramid and all of the Obelisks. The serenity was unlike anything else, as the clouds hung low in the sky and the California air chilled my shoulders. The most notable graves I found were Judy Garland and her trusted companion, Toto. But I don't think were in Arizona anymore.

For Making it all the way through to the end, here is a treat for you guys! A septic truck called Pump Man actually showed up at Westwood and began to pump something? out of the ground over by the mausoleum. I know that mausoleums are designed in a way for purging and leaking to occur, and to all run off somewhere. So, In case you wanted to know, thats a job, just sucking Marilyn Monroe's juices. I guess thats better than her job of sucking Hugh Hefner's.